Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

2022 be like

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work