Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
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In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.