[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
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I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Breakfast for Stoners:
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof