Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?