Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

🙄😏😂🤣

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Where’s my employee discount too?

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*