Me: I do
Me: Or do I?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
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Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?
Salad is the decaf of food.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
confession: I’m only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…