[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]

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[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo


Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.


*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*


new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby

friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop

Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to

friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha

Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that


I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.


“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit


confession: I’m only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.


[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…