Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
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First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement