Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

😂

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Revenge served cold

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?