Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
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rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.