Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
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“How stressed are you?”
Me:
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I have never heard an armadillo before.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*