Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
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Chicago sounds lovely.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge