When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
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British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.