Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
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Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
problems i need
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.