Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

Just a phase…

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.