Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
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Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard