Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys