‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
dictator is short for richard potato
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.