‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
*watches the world burn*
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.