‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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😂😂😂
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.