Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.