Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
You Might Also Like
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I know karate and tons of other words.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.