@McGrumpenstein

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

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@CrystalTheRed

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

@MomOnFire

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

@JimGaffigan

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

@notorious_stars

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

@TrinaBadu

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2018. Im already at $6.23

@markydoodoo

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

@ElleOhHell

UNCLE: Officers weren’t even safe from their own men in Vietnam.
ME: I’ve just decided it’s too hard to zoom in on any more dogs’ noses.

@DaddyJew

Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.

@_Water_Baby

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.