Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.