Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy

It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct