Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

Frankenstein?

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco