Noah was an idiot.
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“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
me and the Superbowl rn
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen