Noah was an idiot.
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”