Noah was an idiot.
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I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
God has left this place
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF