NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
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Me: Same.
