NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
