Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.