Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.