Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out