Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.