Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

You can’t outrun your problems…

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]