Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Nothing.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.