Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
This is what makes twitter great
Overindulged this afternoon.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.