Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
in the ocean
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”