NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?![]()
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No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.