noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
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Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
When someone says you are so lazy
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.