noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
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The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
no their not
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Kidney stones? Hard pass
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?