Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

My birthstone is pecan pie.

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket