noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
The best shot in the history of golf
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My Guy
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.