Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Xylophonist Shredding It

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR