Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.