noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
#Caturday
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.