Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Word.

~ Microsoft.

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real