Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
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ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*