Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
I hope it’s French Onion!
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.