Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
You Might Also Like
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
anyone else like Italian cereal
