Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
You Might Also Like
LOL
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.