Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

THE DOG😭😭💀

one week till the election

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!