Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
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Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco