Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
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I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.