Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Imagine having a party on purpose.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??