Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
You Might Also Like
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
