Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I am patiently waiting for your email
