Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.