Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work