nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
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There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
problems i need
