Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’M CRYINGGG

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

As per my last nervous breakdown

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy