Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
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me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Autocorrect is my menesis
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
If only.
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I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.