NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
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*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
(2022)
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word