Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

Me trying to walk in a dream

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?