Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
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The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?