Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out