Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
You Might Also Like
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”