Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.