nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Cool shirt 🙂
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
black phone good
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Creative Problem Solving
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.