nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
![]()
You Might Also Like
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.