Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
all that yoga finally paid off
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*