Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
me and the Superbowl rn
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets