Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
$4 #usedbooks
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life