Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.