Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
“i miss shittin on people”
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages