Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Damn what did I do next
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head