Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.