Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

where the womens at?

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*