Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
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Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Coffee is ready.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
The glockness monster
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea