Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
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My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
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If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ