Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
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Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.